One year ago

Saturday 9/14

George and I are surely in a much different place than we were last year at this time.  George had  surgery on 9/14/12 to remove a mass on his thyroid and at that point, we still had no clue what our futures would hold.  Today, last year, they would send the tumor they extracted to the pathology lab.  In just a few short hours we would know our fate.  We would either be home-free or we would face a second surgery and cancer therapy.  I just knew God's plan was that we would be home-free.  If we faced another surgery and therapy, he might not graduate on time (and God DID want him to graduate and help people asap, right?).  Not to mention that a second surgery meant the tumor was cancerous and scary enough for the doctors to want to remove the entire thyroid.  I just knew it would be the end of this ordeal for us.  But it was not.  God had some lessons, blessings and gifts to give us.
One lesson we both had to learn was how to RECEIVE.  As I look back I am stunned at how well our church cared for us.  The best way to describe the experience was that we were "carried". Carried by our church, carried by our friends, carried by our families.  Others stepped into the places I had committed myself at youth group (I do not and never will know who).  Others cooked dinner for us as often as we wanted it.  Someone else loved, entertained and cared for our two year old.   One friend even picked our son up the night before George's first surgery. Our two year old spent the night with this family (who also had a baby who was not even two yet) and then this friend drove our son to Wilmington to stay with Nana and PaPa for the weekend.  Then he drove Georgie back to us on Sunday.  God chose these willing servants to do his work sometimes but other times, He- in all his sovereignty- carried us himself.  He relieved me of my job in April of 2012.  At the time, it was a huge blow to my self esteem and my self worth.  But God knew I would need to be focused on my family because just two short months later, George saw the tumor on his neck for the first time.  I never once had to call my boss to say I would need another day, or week, off to go to a doctor's appointment or to care for my husband after surgery.  During the cancer therapy I never had to worry how I would provide an iodine free breakfast, lunch and dinner for George after a long day's work.  I was able to do all that while little George napped because I was home.  God took care of all that for me.  He also provided monetarily for our family during that time. Since I was "laid-off" I was able to receive unemployment for six months.  I will chronicle that debacle at a later date but as stressful, strange, unexpected and hard as it was, we were carried through that too.  God also provided a low-stress job with flexible hours for me.  I had never dreamed I would work in a bakery- one of the loves of my life- but that was a gift God chose to give me at this time in my life.
God carried us with the gift of Corrie, George's sitter.  Corrie began to take care of George when I returned to work from maternity leave.  He was three months old and she continued to care for him until we moved to California.  Their family became a part of our family over the course of those three years.  It was a miracle that she was able to keep George part time after I lost my job.  She needed full time work and I could not afford to put him in full time care since I was no longer employed. Out of the goodness of her heart she agreed to help until she found another full time person.  She never got another full time child, but a few new part timers.  I see this as God's provision for us both.   I was able to go with my husband to any appointment we thought was necessary, to cook for him, to care for him. She was so important to George's development during this time.  She was a constant when so much change was present in George's little life.  She never refused me when I asked for an earlier drop off or later pick up if I needed to be there for my husband.  She even came over once when I had a stomach bug and picked him up from his crib to take him so I could take care of myself.  You don't find people like that everyday.  I thank God for her.  She and her family were a gift.  A true blessing.
So you can see how he carried us.  He also taught us.  We prayed more together during this time.  We were humbled as the meal calendar filled up after only an hour, sometimes two separate meals by the same person.  We were humbled as friends drove from thirty minutes away in rush hour traffic to bring us a meal.  As the emails, calls and cards trickled in consistently, always encouraging us in the right moments, we were humbled.  And our parents and sisters and extended family!!! Wow, words cannot express how much they helped us, loved us, encouraged us along the way.  We could not have done it, and stayed sane,  had it not been for them, our biggest prayer warriors, our biggest fans.  George's phone calls with his sisters were a source of unparalleled encouragement for him.  He needed them so much. Sometimes I could not be emotionally present for him because I cared for a little person who happened to be experiencing the "terrible twos".  When I could not be there for him, one of his sisters was always at the ready with good advice, or just a listening, compassionate ear.  My sister was a free babysitter whenever we needed it and gave us the completely necessary gift of time as husband and wife to talk through all the emotions that come with a cancer diagnosis.  Our parents. Oh, our parents.  I cannot even begin to say how much we are indebted to them.  From their presence at both surgeries to understanding when we were not present at family events, their care for our son countless times when it was surely not convenient for them....If there was a need, if we as much as thought it, there they were to step in.  If everyone had a family that cared half as much as our families do, this world would be a beautiful place.   Phone calls, cards and letters from aunts, uncles and cousins also carried us.  To say the very least, we were humbled by all of this.  To be humbled sounds so wonderful doesn't it?  Actual humility is a tough business though.  If you've ever been humbled like this you know it comes with a sense of guilt or a sense that we did not deserve what had been done for us.  So even though it sounds like we received a ton and it was just this beautiful season of plenty,  this was really a lesson for us and I am only now, a year later, able to see it as clearly as I do.  So I am so thankful that today, 9/14/13,we are where we are, but I am also extremely thankful for where we WERE and where we were taken, how we were shaped and molded and refined.
Zech 13:9
"...This third I will bring into the fire, I will refine them like silver and test them like gold.  They will call on my name and I will answer them"
Thank you Lord for this experience. I called on your name, and you indeed answered me.

September surgery anyone?

So this past Monday, September 9th, I mentioned was uneventful.  Well, two years ago on this date, the day held a main event.  Never had I ever had so much on my mind and heart.  The morning of September 9th, two years ago, my daddy would go under anesthesia for brain stem surgery.  I will never forget the moment when I walked away from him under that white sheet on that stretcher.  Call me dramatic, but I did not know if I would ever see him again.  I just did not know.  So we waited in that waiting room in Arizona for hours upon hours, each of us able to take a bathroom or soda break every once in a while.  Every time someone came back from a break, they would ask this question, "Did the doctor come out yet? Did I miss anything?"  As the day wore on and the hours stretched out we took less and shorter breaks because we did not want to miss the doctor whose facial expression would tell us everything. Such tension. As we scoured the room, trying to be patient, trying to be hopeful, one family after another was relieved of their  tension. For better or worse, they were relieved of their tension.

He finally came. And I found myself, all alone for some crazy reason, as I followed someone who I had never seen before into a room where I did not want to go with my mom and sister nowhere to be found.    I honestly cannot remember if Aunt Steffi or Uncle Phil was in there with me.  I hope neither of you will be offended if you were there, but I just can't remember.  We had waited for hours for a sign from a doctor, but it was obvious there would be not a moments worth of wait for my mother or my sister who had gone for a quick relief from the suspense.  "This girl will do, its his daughter- not his next of kin, but we've got another brain surgery to get to, so we can just tell her".  I imagine thats about what they thought.  I was terrified.  Why did I have to do this? Where was mom?  Where was Lauren? Terrified, because I have worked in hospitals, I know what those small cube like rooms are for. I've experienced that room.  I still do not know why I had to face that alone, but there was Grace in the moment for although the facial expressions did not portray it, Dad came through the surgery just fine.  I cannot remember exactly what was said, it was extremely rapid-fire speech in contrast to the calm thoughts I had beckoned for the past few hours. After I had filled the many long hours of one of the longest days of my life with bible verses and prayers the speech directed at me from the nervous resident/fellow as he tried to impress his "boss" sounded like Swahili and to this day I do not know exactly what was said.  I did know that Dad was okay for the moment and that was all I needed to know.  I did have trouble as I tried to relay the message to Mom. I knew she wanted to know every thing the doctor said, but I just could not for the life of me extract it from my memory. 

That was the morning of September 9th, 2011.  Uneventful, I think not! Lauren and I flew back to North Carolina on 9/11/11 the ten year anniversary of 9/11/01.  I could not neglect that fact as I write this on 9/11/13.

This Saturday, September 14th, will mark the one year anniversary of George's thyroid cancer surgery. That was an eventful day as well.  Re-read the first two paragraphs of this post. I had many of the same emotions and fears except now I get to be the "next of kin".  His parents were, of course, there with me so again, I waited it out one year and five days after Dad's surgery.  Different hospital, different people in the room, different risk/benefit analysis, same wait.  Well, actually it was entirely different.  This was my husband.   I will not go into all the emotions that swirled in my mind and heart that day but I will say that the fact that God had pulled my Dad through a year before was a source of inestimable encouragement.   So in light of these surgeries I just wanted to politely ask you not to fill my September calendar with any more surgeries and to invite you to read two psalms that helped me so much on these very eventful days.  

Psalm 91- One of Dad's favorites 

¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
    my God, in whom I trust.”

³ Surely he will save you
    from the fowler’s snare
    and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
    ten thousand at your right hand,
    but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
    and see the punishment of the wicked.

⁹ If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”
    and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
    no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
    to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
    so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
    you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

¹⁴ “Because he loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;
    I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
    and show him my salvation.”

Psalm 71:5-21

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again; 

from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.