Be courageous and let your heart be strong

8/12-8/16
This week I have decided to put George in gymnastics. I know, it sounds girly but I think it will be good for him. He has a TON of energy, loves to run, jump, climb, flip, balance, hop, swing and bounce. I think it will also be a good way to introduce him to organization and to teach him how to follow the instructions of an adult who is not his mom or dad.  It is also long- 4 hours long- and I don't have to be there...so there...my decision is made.
8/12 Monday, Day 1 of Gymnastics:
Traumatic. Not for him, mind you. For ME! Stayed with him from 9-11am then decided he was fine without me.  Got in my car and drove away.  Begin tiny, little panic attack...."I'm driving AWAY from my child, my heart, my life...in  CALIFORNIA, with people I don't know.  First, when he realizes I'm gone he's going to run out of the doors into the street to try to find me, if that doesn't happen, he will cry the whole time, or maybe kids will be mean to him or maybe the teachers will expect too much out of him or he's probably on his way right now to the top of a huge tower of mats and probably going to fall on his head, or worse ...or, or, or...." I cannot tell you how hard it was not to drive right back and plant this worry-wart of a mama bear in one of those folding chairs and just sit there and watch. It was extremely hard.  But I did not turn around. I took a deep breath and prayed and prayed and prayed, "Lord, keep him safe. Protect him and watch over him, let the teachers and kids be nice to him, please Lord".  Miraculously each minute that passed I felt better. I made it home, put the groceries away and prayed some more.
Tuesday, Day 2 of Gymnastics
Today was much better because I knew he had fun and wanted to go back. He was not clingy at all, and eventually just ran off so I decided he was fine and left.  Bittersweet. I am so glad but then again the thought that "he doesn't need me anymore" snuck in to my mind and here I was again on the roller coaster of emotion.  I nervously went for a run up and down the street several times until I started to get funny looks from store owners. So I put on some courage and started in the opposite direction of the gym. After each step I would look down at my phone and think, "If they call I will have to say, 'well, I will be there in 15 minutes ... 20 minutes, ... 25 minutes'" but they never did so I turned around and the numbers started to look a little more reasonable..."I'll be there in 20 min, 15 min , 10 min...ok I can relax. If they call, I'll be there in 5 minutes".  I'm so weird. So when I arrived at the gym I had to sneak a peak.  There's George. He's waits so patiently for his turn.  As I admire his good behavior a little boy about a year or two older than George starts to push little girls down, really hard. I could tell George knew that was not nice but he wasn't sure what to do about it. Note to self, tell George I am proud of him and talk to him about bullies and what to do if/when he is bullied or sees it happening....
Then I went home, swept, mopped, laundered, washed dishes, folded, did the bathrooms and anything else I could get my hands on to clean.  Then I had an uninterrupted 30 minute thorough cleansing of myself.  Sorry for the detail but its been awhile since I've had a hot shower to myself.  This is a thing. This is worth blogging about. When I picked George up he said he had fun but I never could get enough detail about what he did. Boys...31 or 3 years old, all the same... NID (not into detail).  Wednesday, Day 3 of Gymnastics
Today was the best day yet. Left him there, ran some errands, feeling good....made a date for me and my mac for Thursday and Friday to sit and start this blog at a coffee shop for 4 hours straight.  Yeah! This is gonna be great! I am gonna be a real girl again and do something I want to do! And not worry, and George is going to have a great time....and well, I am getting sarcastic again so I think you know what happens next. Thursday he would not stay. I did not even get home before they called me and he got on the phone and his little sweet voice said "Mama, I WANT you". Well, honey, you got me. I went back, picked him up and took him for a smoothie at the cool coffee shop that was supposed to be me and my mac's date location.  I owed George the smoothie because I snuck out of the gym after I talked him into going into a fort with his teacher.  I felt horrible. The other two days he had not seemed to mind that I left without an ok from him. Today, I knew he was more clingy but I wasn't aware of how much he really wanted me to stay. The emotional roller coaster of this week has plunged me into a 75 foot drop and taken my stomach with it.  After his way-too-huge smoothie with- count them- four scoops of ice cream, carob chips, banana and blueberries (because he wanted it to be blue) and 30 minutes of train spectating a little of the guilt I felt melted away.  We went home and called it a day. Friday I had high hopes but alas, he would not let me leave him.  I got a small refund and after its all said and done, I feel as if it was not a complete bust. He had a great time while he was there, we both practiced being apart, I was able to clean my house and most of all he still loves me even though I left him before he was ready on Thursday.  I am proud of us both because we were courageous this week and our hearts definitely got a work out. We are both stronger for it.
Psalm 27:14
"Wait for the Lord; be courageous and let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord"